


evermore

by crownsandbirds



Series: don't keep love around [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, That's it, angst from beginning to end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 07:44:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11352963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/pseuds/crownsandbirds
Summary: Oikawa’s only thirteen. He’s too young to figure out what the word heartbreak means. And yet, he does.





	evermore

**Author's Note:**

> "i'll never shake away the pain  
> i close my eyes but she's still there  
> i let her steal into my melancholy heart  
> it's more than I can bear
> 
> wasting in my lonely tower  
> waiting by an open door  
> i'll fool myself, she'll walk right in  
> and be with me for evermore"
> 
> (evermore - beauty and the beast)

They are each other’s first kiss. 

Hajime suggested it first, over text. He said,  _remember how everyone says I kissed ‘Hiro? Well, I didn’t. But would you maybe want to try? Kissing? With me?_

Oikawa texts back,  _Of course._  And then,  _are you sure?_  Because Oikawa is tainted, he’s mean and controlling, people have told him as much even if he’s just twelve. And he  _believes_  them, but Hajime is shy and caring and sweet. Their friendship doesn't even make much sense. Oikawa considers himself the luckiest person in the world. 

_I’m sure._ It takes Hajime a long time to type out the next message.  _But if anyone asks, we weren’t each other’s first kiss, okay?_

They’re twelve but they know what that could mean. 

_Okay._

It’s been five years and Oikawa still hasn’t broken that promise. 

-

They don’t mention it afterwards. They’re thirteen and there’s so much to do other than kiss. 

Then one day, Oikawa sleeps over. He does so often, often enough for him to have a toothbrush for himself only at Hajime’s bathroom. Often enough for him to have clothes of his own there. 

They usually sleep in different beds, but they’ve missed each other and they spent the whole day playing together. So Oikawa goes to Hajime’s bed and cuddles up with him.  _He’s warm_ , he thinks. They’re scared of what would happen if Hajime’s parents walked in but they can’t get away from each other. 

“Do you still want to do that?” Hajime asks, voice weak and so soft it almost fades out. But Oikawa listens, of course he does, after so many years of making himself tuned to every sound of Hajime’s existence. 

“The kiss?”

“Yeah…”

“I want to.”

They sit up on their knees on the bed, but neither one can find the guts to get any closer. After three awkward minutes, they decide it’s easier to just lay down again. Then Oikawa moves forward - of course he does, of course it had to be him - and closes his lips against Hajime’s and tries to do it like he sees on movies. 

It’s sweet. It’s so so soft and Hajime tastes like chocolate.

“It was so good.” Oikawa whispers against Hajime’s neck, heart pounding ferociously, at the same time Hajime says, “It was like kissing my own brother.”

Oikawa’s only thirteen. He’s too young to figure out what the word  _heartbreak_  means. And yet, he does. 

-

The falling apart is slow, so slow Oikawa almost convinces himself it won’t happen. They still spend lunch together at school. They still wear each other’s clothes and watch movies. They still read together and plan trips and wonder how will it be like on high school. 

But it’s different and Oikawa feels it, deep down in his bones.

Bad different. 

He’s thirteen, almost fourteen, when he says to Hajime.  _I might be gay._ When he says,  _I might be in love with you._

Hajime’s face contorts in the saddest expression. 

He’s only thirteen. He’s too young to be a heartbreaker. And yet. 

“I- I don’t love you like that. You’re my best friend, I can’t, I don’t, I-“

Oikawa gets the message. He doesn’t cry in front of him, just smiles. And they keep playing together. 

He cries alone in his own bedroom, because Hajime shouldn’t have to suffer because of him. 

-

Oikawa falls harder and harder over the years.

They’re fourteen. Hajime’s sleeping over - they don’t do it much anymore, not out of their own volition. It mostly happens because it’s convenient, because their mothers find it easier to drop one of them at the other’s house when necessary.

This time, it’s a bit less awkward than it usually is. They push their beds close together, but they don’t cuddle. They just lie there, looking at each other. 

Oikawa knows everything there is to know about his best friend. 

Hajime hates to tuck his shirt in. He hates going out to buy clothes. He’s smart but bad at math. He likes to read, but not as much as Oikawa. He’s shy. He’s an angry crier. He doesn’t know how to make friends. He loves chocolate cereal. He likes downloading movie soundtracks. He hates thriller movies - Oikawa  _loves_ them - and he secretly adores romantic stuff - Oikawa can’t stand those. He sings on the shower. He’s a scaredy cat. He makes good grilled cheese. He hates being told what to do. 

Oikawa knows everything. 

But he can’t, for the life of him, see through Hajime’s eyes anymore. 

“I dreamed about someone last night.” Hajime sounds hopeful, smiling against the pillow. 

Oikawa doesn’t have the tears to cry anymore. “Did you?”

“I think I’m in love.”

It’s a girl from class. She’s nice. Shy too. She’s one of their friends, they met her last year. She’s beautiful. 

“Go after her, then. You two would be cute together.”

Oikawa turns away from Hajime and doesn’t fall asleep at all. 

-

They’re fifteen and Hajime doesn’t go after the girl. He’s too soft for that. He pines from a distance.

They’re fifteen and Oikawa learned that love is nothing but pain. 

People fall for him. He’s charming and smart and magnetic. Girls and boys fall for him deeply, desperately, write him letters and cry. And he breaks their hearts. All of them. No exceptions. He knows how to do so. Draw them in, flirt with them, make them think they stand a chance, make them think they’re loved, and then crush their hopes. 

It’s not fun. He doesn’t like doing that. He draws no satisfaction from making people suffer.

But he doesn’t know how to behave in any other way. 

He was a little arrogant boy when he was six or seven. Smart for his age, demanding. He controlled his group of friends and excluded everyone he didn’t like. Hajime was the only one who managed to tame him, to make him be nice. 

He didn’t have anyone now. 

Him and Hajime don’t really spend lunch together now. They go to school together, but that’s mostly it. They share the same group of friends, of course they still talk and go out, but…

Oikawa finds other friends. He can’t deal with the amount of awkwardness. He can’t deal with the discomfort.

It’s not the same thing, not at all. 

He writes and reads. He doesn’t know how to make love feel like anything but  _pain_.

On Hajime’s birthday, Oikawa lets one of his new friends - a beautiful boy, so beautiful and so in love with him - hug him from behind and hold his hips and sway him along with the music. He can’t draw his eyes away from Hajime, who’s laughing and taking off his shoes. 

Oikawa draws the other boy by his tie and kisses him. It’s easier not to think that way. He feels filthy.

He writes a speech for the birthday party. He has it all memorized. Everyone applauds him, say it’s beautiful, you’re so smart, Tooru, so sweet, you two are such good friends. 

Oikawa flops down on the couch. 

“Was it good? My speech?” he asks to one of his friends who’s next to him. 

His friend smiles sadly. “It was perfect, Oikawa.”

“How did it sound like?”

“It sounded like you loved him.” 

-

They’re sixteen. Oikawa has dated three or four times so far - none of them lasted longer than a month. He’s kissed far more than that. It’s so easy. Just get close and open your mouth. 

He can’t remember the last time he slept over at Hajime’s. 

The only thing they really do together now is studying. Hajime is focused, focused and persistent, he’ll do anything he sets his mind to, and he’s the perfect study partner to Oikawa, who’s smart but can’t pay attention in geometry to save his life.

They rarely talk. They listen to different musics, each one with a pair of earphones. They share pens and pencils and erasers. They help each other when necessary. 

They study and get ready for tests. Sometimes they talk about school and college, when they’re taking a break. 

Hajime’s mom asks why Oikawa’s never around anymore. 

Hajime doesn’t really read now. Not that much. He stopped writing as well. He’s come so far from that shy boy; he has a social life. He goes to parties. He knows people. He has fun.

Oikawa breaks hearts and stays at home. 

It’s like they don’t even live at the same universe.

-

Oikawa doesn’t fall in love with anyone else.

He’s seventeen and in senior year. He’s dated five or six times. And he’s realized that he simply doesn’t know how to fall in love. Love is ridiculous, it’s pathetic and hurtful, and his heart is probably made of ice and glass now, because he can’t find in himself any sympathy for other people. 

_Oikawa, you monster._

_Oikawa, you whore._

_Oikawa, you snake._

_Why did you do that? Why did you lie?_

_Do you even feel anything?_

A girl comes around. She’s beautiful and a great kisser. They spend two months messing around. She buys him books and hugs him tight and kisses him under the rain. 

He breaks her heart. 

What else is new?

The girl and Hajime meet. 

_That_  is new. 

Oikawa and Hajime spend the New Year’s Eve together at the beach. Their families wanted to share the occasion. The two boys stand under the fireworks. Hajime beckons him to run to the water. Oikawa smiles and laughs and declines it. 

He hates the sea. 

They hug at midnight. 

Hajime’s phone keeps buzzing with notifications. Everyone else, all their other friends, knows who he’s texting and taunt him about it. Oikawa doesn’t. He has no clue. It hurts more than anything. 

Hajime and the girl start dating a month later. 

“Is this okay, Tooru?” Hajime asks. 

Oikawa doesn’t cry. Not in front of Hajime, not alone in his bedroom. Ice hearts can’t cry. Feeling hurt is a second nature to him now. Loving Hajime is like breathing. “More than okay. I hope you two are happy together.”

They’re in senior year and they haven’t had a proper conversation in months. 

Oikawa thinks about how they used to plan going to the same college, sharing an apartment. He remembers the trip they had together when they were twelve, just the two of them and their parents. 

He imagines dating Hajime, going to the same college with him, sharing an apartment. He imagines having breakfast with him, tidying their home, adopting a dog because Hajime is such a dog person. He imagines getting married and putting the wedding ring on Hajime’s finger and going off to the honeymoon. 

Hajime’s girlfriend hugs him sometimes when they meet at school. They’re still friends, even if she’s still so bitter about him breaking her heart. They’re still friends because she’s happy with Hajime and he’s happy with her and it’s been five months. Or something. Oikawa doesn’t know.

Hajime texts him, asking for help to buy a Valentine’s day gift. Oikawa gives him a list of possible good presents. Hajime thanks him profusely.

Oikawa’s out of town to take some college exams. He relapses and writes a fucking huge poem. He texts Makki - his best friend now.  _I’m still in love with him._

He can almost see Makki sighing all the way across the country.  _You’re not in love with him, Oikawa. You just think you are because that’s how you felt for years._

No one calls him Tooru anymore. 

Oikawa laughs bitterly and doesn’t have the presence of mind to text back. 

He has an ice and glass heart. He found out about heartbreak too soon. When he told the story to his therapist, she looked at him with the saddest eyes. 

_You went through all of that by yourself?_ she asked. 

Oikawa didn’t know how to explain to her that if he didn’t have Hajime, he didn’t have anyone. 

They’re seventeen and in senior year and four months away from graduating high school. At the school events, Hajime’s girlfriend arrives with his parents and talks to them and laughs and takes pictures. 

Oikawa’s going to med school because, according to everyone,  _he’s too smart to waste his intelligence on something else._ He doesn’t spare much time thinking about what he actually wants to do. Why would he? Life is unfair. 

Hajime wants to be a therapist. Oikawa thinks it fits him.

-

They exchange gifts on their birthdays. They write beautiful birthday cards to each other. 

Oikawa doesn’t really remember how to arrive at Hajime’s house.

One day, he finds a pair of socks that clearly don’t belong to him. They look alien and out of place in his drawer. They’re Hajime’s, he knows because he vaguely remembers seeing him putting them on before. 

Another boy falls for him. Oikawa destroys his heart so badly and deliberately the boy drinks until he throws up at the party the senior year students throw at the end of the semester. He finds a disgusting satisfaction in seeing the drunk boy yelling at him because he’s making out with some random girl.

He doesn’t feel anything when he kisses people. It’s boring and sloppy and useless. 

He doesn’t see Hajime at all at the party. He knows he’s there, but can’t find him. 

He lost his ability to feel his presence. He doesn’t know how to dance to the tune of the music of Hajime’s existence anymore. 

-

When they were six, there was a boy being mean to Oikawa. Hajime ran after the kid and knocked him over with his small backpack. 

“Why did you do that?”

“Because you’re my best friend! I don’t want you to be hurt, ever!” 

-

They don’t greet each other anymore at the hallways. Oikawa can just imagine them as adults, taking the same train and not even bothering to look up. 

Not that he has forgotten Hajime. Or that he ever will. 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever fall in love again. 

He can just imagine them as adults, taking the same train, Oikawa looking at Hajime as he walks away hurriedly through the open doors.

He wonders if they’ll ever get down at the same station again. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is the most personal work i've ever written. there's nothing happy about this. everything oikawa went through, i went through in the exact same way. sorry about this. i just needed to let stuff out.


End file.
